It's really quiet right now

I just finished printing and folding about 1/4 of the programs for the wedding. They turned out much better than I expected. I'm really satisfied with the way they look. Now, I'm trying to decide whether or not to include a small brown ribbon on each program's cover. :/

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I had another wedding nightmare last night. It seems like I have had one every night for the past few weeks. Anyway, in last night's dream I at least made it through the ceremony. For some reason, in this dream, I had another outfit for the reception. It was a purple, off-the-shoulder, floor-length, satin dress. It was BEAUTIFUL despite not matching the wedding colors. Unfortunately, I left the dress in the church after the ceremony and when I turned back to get it, the doors were locked. I banged and banged and couldn't get in. I was not supposed to show up to the reception in the ceremony attire, but I didn't want to go home and put on jeans, so I waited and waited. The pastor of the church was golfing, so I couldn't get the key from him. Somehow, I saw a flash of him at the golfcourse, but I had no way to contact him. I ran, by myself (no car in sight... and N was already at the reception) all the way to the hall, but when I got there, everyone was leaving. I had missed it. And all of the guests were furious with me.

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I'm sure, if you are from the area that you've heard about the newborn baby boy that was left in a park restroom in a cardboard box. When I hear these stories, I feel ill. I have been having a really hard time lately. The wedding is approaching and I'm thinking a lot about this new "family" that N and I are creating. I die a little when I think about these women that have the opportunity to create a life, but then throw it all away, sometimes literally. Especially when there are so many women who would cut off their arms to have that opportunity. N and I were picking through his baby photos the other day trying to find some for the wedding video and I started crying. It hurt so much to see that little boy - that sweet blonde hair, that ornery smile, those skinny legs - and know that I will never know whether our child would look "just like daddy at that age" and it hurts even more to think that I am taking that away from N too. I cry every day lately. Amidst all this happiness - in the middle of all this planning - in these quiet moments, I break down.