Thursday, May 17, 2007

It's really quiet right now

I just finished printing and folding about 1/4 of the programs for the wedding. They turned out much better than I expected. I'm really satisfied with the way they look. Now, I'm trying to decide whether or not to include a small brown ribbon on each program's cover. :/


I had another wedding nightmare last night. It seems like I have had one every night for the past few weeks. Anyway, in last night's dream I at least made it through the ceremony. For some reason, in this dream, I had another outfit for the reception. It was a purple, off-the-shoulder, floor-length, satin dress. It was BEAUTIFUL despite not matching the wedding colors. Unfortunately, I left the dress in the church after the ceremony and when I turned back to get it, the doors were locked. I banged and banged and couldn't get in. I was not supposed to show up to the reception in the ceremony attire, but I didn't want to go home and put on jeans, so I waited and waited. The pastor of the church was golfing, so I couldn't get the key from him. Somehow, I saw a flash of him at the golfcourse, but I had no way to contact him. I ran, by myself (no car in sight... and N was already at the reception) all the way to the hall, but when I got there, everyone was leaving. I had missed it. And all of the guests were furious with me.


I'm sure, if you are from the area that you've heard about the newborn baby boy that was left in a park restroom in a cardboard box. When I hear these stories, I feel ill. I have been having a really hard time lately. The wedding is approaching and I'm thinking a lot about this new "family" that N and I are creating. I die a little when I think about these women that have the opportunity to create a life, but then throw it all away, sometimes literally. Especially when there are so many women who would cut off their arms to have that opportunity. N and I were picking through his baby photos the other day trying to find some for the wedding video and I started crying. It hurt so much to see that little boy - that sweet blonde hair, that ornery smile, those skinny legs - and know that I will never know whether our child would look "just like daddy at that age" and it hurts even more to think that I am taking that away from N too. I cry every day lately. Amidst all this happiness - in the middle of all this planning - in these quiet moments, I break down.


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