Myrtle Beach Countdown...

3 days.

Now it's off to watch the American Idol that I taped.

I am slowly going crazy... 1,2,3,4,5,6 switch...Crazy going slowly am I... 6,5,4,3,2,1 switch...

Still no word from Akron.
Still no word from Lock Haven.
Still no word from Lincoln Land.
Still no word from Owens.

I feel like I'm losing it. For some reason, yesterday afternoon I just started getting really panicked about work next year. I started imagining myself in a Wendy's cap asking people if they want to "Biggie Size" their combos.

I know I shouldn't worry so much about it... but it's time to start thinking about it you know? I graduate this year and will have two degrees, a BA and an MFA, and I may be unemployed. The thought horrifies me.

What horrifies me even more is that I'm such a lazy procrastinator, I don't have a back up plan. I missed all the PhD application deadlines... I missed the Stegner deadline... and now I've missed the Wisconsin fellowship deadline. I'm such a stupid stupid girl. I can't believe time has gone soooo fast. I kept thinking I had more time but now it's gone. So, a job is even more important now.

I could always teach adjunct... but there's not even a guarantee that I could find a position... and they pay so little, I would be better off going back to the secretary job. At least I'd make more money.

Best case scenario: I get one of the four full time positions listed above and make enough money to live and be happy.

Worst case scenario: I get no job and have no way to survive... and end up like this guy:


























If you pray... pray for me. I am seriously going nuts worrying about this.

(My blog title is from Sharon, Louis and Bram's Elephant Show if you didn't catch on to that already.)

Last night was nice.

Gary's birthday was yesterday. A few of us got together at Becketts and enjoyed his company. It was nice. Happy Birthday again Gary!

I guess, I really shouldn't be around smokiness until after my PET scan says everything is okay... but it was only a half-hour to an hour or so... so I think it's fine.

In other news: I've decided that I want to own a cluster of sphynxes so that they can huddle together and all look up at me at the same time when I walk into a room. It's one of the cutest things I've ever seen.

small rant.

Darcey Steinke made it into town safe and sound today. OWU and BGSU shared her this year (Thank God for small favors and friendly programs).

We had a very small Q/A session today, which was extremely disappointing to me. We hire these writers to come to our school for the sake of our MFA students and hardly any of them attended the festivities. For the first half hour of the Q/A there were only four people, including myself, there. And Lawrence made five for the second half. I ended up having to ask almost ALL of the questions, and keep the conversation going -- which was really difficult to do considering I'm a poet and don't really know a lot about the craft of fiction. It's a shame too, the majority of the people at the Q/A, dinner, and reading were poetry MFAs and this was a fiction writer. In fact, Nick and myself were the only MFAs at dinner. And at the reading, there were more poets, but still... barely anyone (4 poetry MFAs including myself and Nick) and maybe three fiction writers. Darcey got on an airplane EARLY in the morning in New York to come here to read to us... and hardly anyone came.

I am ashamed of the fiction writers and honestly ... ashamed of the program as a whole today. We pay to get these writers here for the students... we could save a lot of money in visiting writers if the students aren't interested in supporting their contemporaries for at least a single hour three times a semester.

It's really ashame since the MFAs expect the same type of support at their own readings.

I shouldn't have let it bother me so much... but it's a little frustrating because I've seen it happen so frequently this year with the visiting writers. This was the worst though.

Darcey seemed to enjoy herself. She ended up being pleasant, quite humorous, and very interesting. Her reading was truly pleasurable. I purchased Suicide Blondes and can't wait to find the time to read it.

Forgive me for ranting a little about the program stuff, but being responsible for so much of the reading series this year has really got me noticing how little everyone (including certain faculty) cares about the writers that come to visit. I probably wouldn't notice as much if I weren't so close to the action. It's especially frustrating for me, I guess, because I put so much energy into this reading series... so it's a little tiresome to do and do and not see any sort of fruition... if that makes any sense. My name and face is what these writers know and associate with their experience here... so it sucks when they have a crappy time.

Anyway... I have to go grade poetry...

Happiness of Happinesses!!!

The Laurel Review just accepted one of my poems for publication!


I'm so excited! Ice wine with dessert is going to be my celebration!!!

Buddy.

Nick's brother and sister-in-law's dog. He's so cool. He always has the best photographs.

Vet Visit

Took Kitsch to the vet today! He was so well behaved. He got two shots, distemper and rabies boosters (one in his back and one in his leg) and he didn't squirm or even meow.

He's such a good little boy.

Met my brother for the first time.

Yep, I have a half-brother, whom up until last weekend, I had never met. He showed up at my parents door a couple weeks ago and since then has become a serious part of our lives. He is a sweet boy - but he does have a lot of emotional baggage. I hope that since he now has a loving family - he will begin to heal.

When I was a little girl, I always felt like there was a part of the family missing... it sounds corny to say that... but it's true. I used to ask my mom all the time if I had another brother or sister that I didn't know about, or if I was adopted. She always told me no... until I was 14. At that age, I again approached my mother and said "Mom, please tell me... do I have a brother or sister somewhere that I don't know about?" and she finally said "Yes, you do... and his name is A____" She then went on to tell me that he belonged to my father -- he is one year older than me -- he has Turrett's Syndrome -- his mother wouldn't let my father see him -- my father hadn't seen him since he was a brand new newborn in the hospital. That was all she knew, that was all anyone knew.

And now... He shows up! And I have to say, I'm very excited about it all. He is 25 years old and in desperate need of a family. His mother has not been the most wonderful person to him and since he never had a father figure -- it's nice to know he now does, despite how late in life it is. He's very excited about everything and is so happy to be considered a part of the family.















In other news... I am not feeling well at all. I have the most upset stomach ever... which is why I'm awake right now, at 4:25am.

One of the many reasons I love Kitsch...

He's so dang cool.

NO CLASS TONIGHT!!!

I just got the best email ever! No class with SM tonight! I'm pretty psyched about that... I just got into town yesterday evening and so I was really not feeling like leaving the house this evening... and now I don't have to!

Ah... *sigh of relief*

I would die if I should spy someone else's eye upon your thigh.

Basically, I am just writing this to avoid grading anymore...

I graded approximately 24 poem responses and 8 or 9 late poems yesterday and today I've graded about 4 poems ... and I just don't think I can look at another true end rhymed poem about lost love...

So, tonight I have PA duty... get to set up the old sound system for the reading. I'm looking forward to Ns reading. His last poem in workshop was super strong and I'm really excited to see what other stuff he's been working on. Not to mention he's funny, so I'm sure there will be alot of laughter.

Well, I should grade at least two more poems before the reading - so that I will only have 18 more to finish this evening before bed...

Kitsch has man-boobs

Updates and such.

I feel like such an idiot, because I just keep going on and on about being sick. People come up to me (who don't know I'm sick) and ask the standard, "Hey, how are you?" and rather than respond with a normal... "I'm fine, how are you?" I answer something like "Eh... not so good." and then go into some spiel about what's going on in my medical life... as if they want to know... or even care for that matter. I feel like a real loser sometimes.

And yet... I'm going to blog about being sick anyway...

So, yesterday I had my CAT scan. I went there thinking that I would just have to drink some nasty concoction and then go into a tube... but no... I had to have an IV. (Bear in mind that I am DEATHLY afraid of needles.) So they give me this thing, I'm crying like an infant, and just as the pain is getting a little better the woman says - "We are going to put the dye in you now... it might feel warm." Next thing I know... it feels like I pee'd myself. I thought I was dying. I was sure that whatever she put into me gave me some allergic reaction and I was unable to control my bladder and was just about to die. But I didn't die. And I didn't pee myself. It was just the crazy heat of the dye that made me feel that way.

Today, I went in for the results of the CAT scan and the blood tests. The doctor informed me that there was nothing wrong with my liver, according the blood tests, but that my triglycerides and cholesterol were high. He said it is best to be under 200 and my cholesterol was up to 250. But he said my good cholesterol was good enough to not worry about it for now.

Then onto the CAT scan results. "No pulmonary embolism" he said, while smiling. "So your results came back very positive. But we did find a 9mm nodule in your lung that could be cancerous, so we'll just do a PET scan in three months to make sure it isn't. But don't worry. It's probably nothing. I would only worry if you were 40-50 years old and a smoker."

Don't Worry!!!!??? How am I supposed to not worry after you tell me it could be cancerous.... and that I have to wait THREE months to find out!!!

Oh well. I'm going to try to not worry about it. I don't smoke, so it seems improbable that I would have lung cancer... though my grandpa did die of lung cancer... but he worked in the mines, so... I don't know. I have a lot of crap running through my head right now.

So... I didn't get to go out with our visiting writer, Tony Tost, tonight, because I can't be around the cigarette smoke until I know for sure what's going on.

To top off all of this - my rib still hurts like a mother. It is a lot better than it was... but it does still hurt with too much movement or while lying down.

Anyway... I'm going to try to keep my health out of my interpersonal relationships and just be normal. I don't want to be "that girl who's always complaining."

On the bright side -- I picked up Tony Tost today, and the conversation was nice. He's a great poet and his reading went really smoothly and was very interesting. His 1001 sentences piece is really intriguing. I look forward to reading that in a manuscript soon.