Saturday, April 26, 2008

Ripping off the bandage...

Up until about three weeks ago, I had not been to church in about eight years. When I was younger, church was my life. I went to Sunday AM service and Sunday PM service. I went to youth group on Wednesday nights. And, we had a Bible study in our home on Thursday evenings.

My mom is very religious. Well, religious is not the right word. She just loves God.

Throughout my mother's life she was dealt blow after blow - Her mother died on her seventh birthday. She is legally blind, as was her father and she was left to take care of him. At 19, my mother gave birth to me. Then my brother came along. I've written about him before, but to refresh your memory, he was born completely blind. And then my sister was born. My grandfather died several weeks after my sister was born, right after my mother's birthday. Through all of this, her homelife was not what it should have been.

Thankfully, everything changed for her. My father sobered up and became a better man and all the other pieces of her life began to fall into place. They bought a house. Their children grew up. She will tell you, without hesitation, that she is very happy. And it's true.

The one constant in her life: Faith. My mother has a seemingly unshakeable faith in God.

This is where my mother and I differ. When bad things happen to her, she seeks comfort in God. When bad things happen to me... I question Him. Yes, I believe in God. Yes, I have faith. But, God and I have issues. I don't get it. I was as devoted to my beliefs as I could be as a child. I even wanted to be a pastor for awhile.

Then, about eight years ago... my world fell a part. I will not give the details, but suffice it to say, I received some very devastating news that wounded me deeply. My life went into a bit of a tailspin.

I walked away from church and lost all of my faith in God for awhile.

Since that day, I've been healing. It's been quite the process. But, I finally feel like I am able to return to church. I don't think I will ever be "religious." I don't even know that I want to be. But, I am finally able to walk into a church without turning around and leaving.

So anyway, I recently attended church. I have gone back twice since that first visit. I don't know that I will attend regularly. And I will probably not become a member (that whole idea of having a "membership" to love God bothers me.) But, I feel like it's a new step in the healing process.

I'm not sure why I'm blogging about this. Maybe because I feel the urge to talk about it... maybe partly because I didn't know what else to write about... I don't know how long it will last, but this is what is happening in my life right now.


At 7:31 AM, Blogger AMR said...

I'm glad you blogged about this. I've been thinking about "things" along the same lines...



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