B as in Bob, G as in God, N as in Nancy, P as in Peter, T as in Ted?

(Okay... this is really long... but worth the read if you like to laugh)

Computers officially make me nuts.

So, my laptop is broken. Yesterday evening, Nick turned it on and the screen just decided to go black. We must have fiddled with the computer for half an hour, turning it off and on, plugging, unplugging... Then I called Dell for tech support.

So this woman with a very thick accent answers the phone and this is a rough transcript of our conversation. --- I hope you find some humor in it:

Dell Woman (DW): "Thank you for calling Dell, may I have the express service number of your computer?"

Me: "I don't know what that is."

DW: "Flip your computer upside down... do you see a white barcode?"

Me: "Yes... here is the..."

DW: "There should be a white barcode with a number that is the express service number"

Me: "Okay, it is (##########)."

DW: "Thank you. Just a moment while I access your system. "

...........

DW: "Okay. You are under warranty until March 20, 2006."

Me: "Oh... okay."

DW: "Could I get your email address please?"

Me: ...@B-G-N-E-T-.-B-G-S-U-.-E-D-U

DW: B as in Bob, G as in God, N as in Nancy, P as in Peter, T as in Ted dot B as in Bob, P as in Peter, S as in Sam, U as in University?

Me: No... B as in Bob, G as in Goat, N as in Nancy, E as in Easter, T as in Ted dot B as in Bob, G as in Goat, S as in Sam, U as in University

DW: B as in Bob, G as in God, N as in Nancy, P as in Peter...

Me: NO! E as in...

Nick: Edward

Me: Edward

DW: Edward

Me: Yes

DW: "What can I help you with today?"

Me: "My computer screen will not come on. I have turned the computer on and off several times and it still doesn't work. I've tried unplugging the AC adapter and replugging it, I've tried removing the battery, and it still won't come on. The computer is working, but the screen is not."

DW: "Okay, could I get you to turn off the system and unplug the AC adapter?"

Me: "I've tried this, but yes... it is now turned off and unplugged."

DW: "Now could you please remove the battery."

Me: "Okay, it's done"

...........

..........

Me: "Okay?"

DW: "Now please reconnect the Adapter and turn the system back on."

Me: "Okay.... done. I still don't see anything."

DW: "Is there anything on the screen?"

Me: "No. There is nothing on the screen."

DW: "Please turn the computer off again."

Me: "Okay."

DW: "Now press and hold the Fn button and turn the system on."

Me: "The what?"

DW: "The Fn button. It is by the spacebar."

Me: "Oh... okay. Done"

Computer: BEEEEEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEP BEEP BEP BEEEEEP

DW (who is on speakerphone mind you): "You should hear the computer beeping. Is the computer beeping?"

Computer: BEEEEEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEP BEEP BEP BEEEEP

Me: "Yes. It's beeping"

DW: "Is there anything on the screen?"

Me: "No"

DW: "Press the y button."

Me: "The what?"

..........

Nick: "The Y button."

Me: "The Y button?"

DW: "Yes."

Me: "Okay.... done."

DW: "Is there anything on the screen?"

Me: "No, still nothing."

DW: "Ma'am, may I put you on hold and check with a technician for further instructions?"

Me: "Yes"

.............

..............

DW: "Ma'am?"

Me: "Yes."

DW: "We are going to disconnect the memory chips"

Me: "Ummm... will that delete anything on my hard-drive?"

DW: "No, nothing will delete."

Me: "Okay..."

DW: "Turn the system off"

Me: "It's already off"

DW: "Unplug the battery"

Me: "It's out"

DW: "Flip the computer over"

Me: "Okay."

DW: "Do you have a phillips screwdriver?"

Me: "yes"

DW: "Is the battery compartment on the lower left?"

Me: "No, it's on the upper right."

DW: "The battery compartment is on the lower left."

Me: "No, the hinges are facing me and the battery compartment is on the upper right."

Nick: "Here... turn the computer around and it will be on the lower left"

Me: *flips computer around* "Okay... it's on the lower left"

DW: "Okay unscrew the two screws on the back by the battery compartment."

Me: *looking at the 10 screws on the back of the computer* "Which two?"

DW: "above the battery compartment is another compartment with two screws"

Me: "Oh... I see it... okay"

DW: "Now you should see two green chips"

Me: "Ummm... no, there is only one."

DW: "above the two chips there is a screw"

Me: "The modem?"

DW: "Yes, unscrew that"

Me: "Okay"

DW: "Disconnect the cable attached to the modem"

Me: "Okay"

DW: "Now pull out the chips"

Me: "What chips, under the modem?"

DW: "Pull out the green chips"

Me: "There is only one"

DW: "Pull it out"

Me: "okay"

DW: "Now plug back in all the chips and cables"

Me: "Okay... should I replace the lid too?"

DW: "Yes"

Me: "Okay... done"

DW: "Now we are going to unhook the monitor from the system. Do you see the hinges?"

Me: "Hinges... yes... I see them"

DW: "pry the covering off the hinges with a screwdriver"

Me: "where do I put the screwdriver without damaging the computer"

DW: "You won't damage it. Do you see the grooves on the side of the computer?"

Me: "Yes". *looking at vents*

DW: "Right above that is the hinge"

Me: "Okay..." *I finally see a little spot nowhere near the hinge for the screwdriver to fit into*

Me: "Okay, I got the one side to pop off, but I can't get it to lift all the way off without breaking."

DW: "You won't break it"

Me: *Pulls... almost breaks it... realize that I should put the screen all the way back*

Me: "Okay"

DW: "Now slide the keyboard off toward the screen"

Me: "Okay"

DW: "now unhook the cable"

Me: "Which cable, there are four"

DW: "The black and white cable. Unhook it from the screen."

Me: "I can't get ahold of it."

DW: "Just pull it out of the screen"

Me: "I just pull it out of the screen?"

DW: "Yes"

Me: *pulling from the screen, but not feeling right about it* "This isn't working. It doesn't disconnect."

DW: "Just pull it out of the screen."

Me: *spotting that the cable attached to the screen is also attached to a chip by two little connectors* "Do I pull it out of the chip?"

DW: "yes"

Me: *sigh* "Okay"

DW: "Now reconnect all the cables and keyboard and power on the system."

Me: "Okay............... I turned it on. Now it isn't even turning on. It just blinks and turns back off."

DW: "May I call you back in one or two hours"

Me: "Yes"

DW: "Okay. Thank you for calling Dell. Please contact us at support.dell.com if you have any questions"

Me: "okay, I will wait for your call in one or two hours"

.........


.........

So I hang up and realize that the system isn't turning on because one of the chips isn't in all the way... so I take the system apart again and replug the chip. The system turns on, but the screen still doesn't.

*Phone rings an hour or so later*

Me: "Hello"

DW (same woman): "May I speak with King Stephanie please?"

Me: "This is Stephanie King."

DW: "I am calling in regards to the system that isn't powering on."

Me: "I've got the system to power on now... one of the chips wasn't in all the way. I've also plugged another monitor into the computer and it works with another monitor but it still won't work on the laptop monitor."

DW: "We need to replace the LCD kit"

Me: "Okay, does that require me sending it in?"

DW: "Yes, we will send you a box and you will keep your battery, ac adapter and hard drive and then send us the computer in the box we provide."

Me: "Does this cost anything"

DW: "No"

Me: "Okay"

DW: "I will need to get your email address please."

Me: *stifling a distressed giggle* "... B as in Bob, G as in...."

DW: *repeats*

Me: "Yes"

DW: "We will send you a box and you will keep your battery, your ac adapter and your hard drive."

Me: "Yes, yes, you said that... but how do I remove the hard drive?"

DW: "Okay I will help you take out the battery... flip your system over."

Me: "NO.... I know how to take out the battery. How do I remove the hard drive"

DW: "Yes, I will help you take out the battery and the hard drive."

Me: "I just need to know how to take out the hard drive."

DW: "Do you have a phillips head screwdriver?"



.....


And it went on from there...

So I have to send my laptop off... right now I am using it on my old old old computer screen so I can see what I'm typing. But soon my laptop will be gone.

This has come at the worst time. My thesis is due next week and I won't have a computer to work on... :(

GAH! I have a love/hate relationship with technology.